Slightly Confused

My students have clearly watched too much Maury on TV, and heard too much about indentity theft. As such, they were clearly confused one day when they made the assumption that you could steal someone's identity by extracting a piece of their hair. I tried to clear this up for them in the hallway, but the fire was already too strong. We enter...

S: "I got a piece of J's hair, I'm finna steal your identity!"

J: "Girl you better not steal my identity. I ain't playin' wit' you!"

Mr. A: "You see the thing is guys..."

B plucks out a piece of D's hair from behind.

B: "Oh hell yeah, look at dis mug I got here! I be stealing D's identity hard over here...Juiced!"

D: "You best give me my identity back before I crack you in the mouth boy!"

B: "I'm gonna make you my daughter with this."

Mr. A: "No, once again, I think we're slightly confused with how this whole identity and DNA thing works. You see..."

R plucks out a piece of M's hair and claims he now has his identity. Pretty soon there is a bit of a melee in the hall as the students continue to try and "steal identities" from one another. I call Mr. F on the radio for reinforcements.

Mr. F: "What's going on up here?"

J: "S's dusty self be stealing my identity and then B stole D's identity and said he would make him his daughter, and then..."

Mr. F: "Mr. A?"

Mr. A: "Yeah, that's pretty much how it went down. Apparently a mini-lesson on DNA will be on the schedule for next week."